A Batmobile By Any Other Name
by Kyer
Summary: During a battle, Flash commits a heinous act in the eyes of The Bat Clan and must make amends. Will Wally survive the Wrath of Bat? Will he make lemonade out of Life's lemon or just end up with egg on his face? Language Chemistry-style humor.


1/2/09 I have no idea why this is coming out all in Centered mode. It looks properly Left Justified in this editor. Am doing a Select All/Left to try to fix it. If it remains Centered....what can you do? *sigh*

* * *

A/N: Batman fans....kindly remember that this is Crackfic!Lite. No slipping exploding batarangs in my fruitcake. Think of it as a chip off the _Chemistry_ set only without all the innuendo. Disclaimer: Kyer denies holding any copyrights whatsover. (Honestly, if I actually owned any of this, I'd treat it better.)

Thank you, DeChunk, for pointing out I forgot to explain something about the story that will otherwise go over most people's heads.

Cecil the Seasick Sea Serpent was a live-action children's show from the 1950's? It later was made into cartoon (1960's?) Anyway, Cecil was a sock puppet sea 'monster' with big eyes. Godzilla you should already know of. If not, that's what Wikis are for. :P

Warning: Beginning conversations will not make much sense straight away. Just bare with it for a little and you'll soon think "Oh!"

* * *

A Batmobile By Any Other Name (ain't as sweet.)

.

"This isn't working!"

"Tell me something I _don't_ know!"

"Geez, Batz, no need to get all snippy---"

"Maybe we should just let Superman deal with it."

"You just earned yourself an extra hour of workouts for saying something The Flash would have, Robin."

"I would not have called for Supes! Wonder Woman would have been my first choice---hot babes are more fun to watch in action."

.

_Why the heck is Dick taking so long to get here with the box I radioed him for? Gotham's just a few minutes drive from Metropolis's beaches.  
_

_Why the heck isn't Batz doing amazing stuff that's patently The Goddam Batman-like? Did he forget to pre-pack his utility belt or something?  
_

_Why the heck didn't I just apply for a paperboy job? The route wouldn't be any more dangerous than this and pays better than Bruce's miserly idea of a weekly allowance."_

_._

"Look out---CecilZilla's going to attack!"

"You mean like it's _been_ doing with just it's bad breath alone ever since it got here?"

"Cut the chatter, Red Two."

"Whoa, Tiny Tim, did Batz just quote a Star Wars line at me?"

"Um...I'm taking the Fifth on account that getting involved in this conversation could incriminate me; _and stop calling me that."_

"Big reptile heading for Metropolis to create havoc. Ring any bells with you two?"

.

_"Come on ring those batphones--"_

_"Grandma was run over by the Batman...tipsy from a party Christmas Eve..."_

_"CecilZilla, you're breaking my rep! You're making me look so bad, baby!"  
_

_"I wanna fight the Batman Rogues for Christmas. Only a bunch of psychopaths will do--"_

_"Jingle Bells, Batman sm--"_

"Rudolph and Tiny Tim are about to get lumps of coal for Christmas if they don't shut up and pay attention to the mission."

.

"I can't believe I once asked my dad for an iguana for Christmas."

"Yeah? I can't believe I'm missing a freebie Combines game for this!"

"I can't believe Superman insisted on teaming Flash with us."

"Well, ..._nyaah_ with a triple-decker _phfft_ on top, Batz."

"Now I know why...he's still angry that I carry kryptonite." _Revenge is a dish best served fast and from a distance._ "You okay, Robin?"

"Batman, I'm pinned! And its--!"

.

_Holy scratches on the Mortal Kombat disk! Help!  
_

_Bat guano on the windshield! Tim!  
_

_Iced mochas thrown out by John just because they're past their expiration date! (I mean seriously, he knows that kind of thing wouldn't hurt me so what's the deal with cleaning out the Watchtower 'fridge and tossing the lot down the drain while I was still planetside?) Guys!  
_

.

A blur of red with yellow lightning streaks flew away and returned before the monster could make a snack of The Boy Wonder. "Ha! Try chewing on _that_, CecilZilla! You...you stupid, bug-eyed, super sized, Godzilla snake thingy!" He glowered at the beast. "Damn--I should have thrown in some industrial-sized bags of peppermint candy to act as a breath mint. Oh well, too late now."

Predictably, the giant semi-aquatic nightmare clamped its teeth down on the surprise offering and started to chew, momentarily sidetracked from the costumed boy it had been about to snap up. There was a crackling noise..then the sound of metal collapsing---a blinding flash of released energy followed near simultaneously by a deafening roar that for a second there Wally West could have sworn came in stereo.

When the heroes were able to see and hear again, 'CecilZilla'--the last of a plethora of monsters released by a mad magician--was permanently out for the count. Their team had gone from nearly fatal defeat to complete triumph in the space it took to blink a time or three.

"Yes!" Wally did a victory dance up and down the monster's tail, "Who da man?!"

"Flash..."

Spying Batman's first protege stumbling over the sand towards him while carrying a small box in his hand, Wally grinned at his best buddy's bewilderment. "Oh, hey, Nightwing. Didn't see you enter the fray. Not that there's much of a fray left to enter now that I've--"

_"Do you realize what you've done?" _Nightwing grabbed a handful of littered sand and held it out as if it explained his ire._  
_

Wally blinked at the blatant distress in his friend's voice. "Um...saved our collective asses from CecilZilla, the Seasick Sea Serpent with the radioactive-level of halitosis?"

Dick Grayson dropped the sand and leaped up to join Wally on the dead reptile's tail. He grabbed the Flash suit by one earpiece and considered using it to shake some sense into the man.

"I was about to take care of this scaly problem with a Wayne Tech sonic disrupter that Batman sent me for when _you totally totaled the Batmobile!_" Nightwing yelled at him.

Wally gave him his patented 'dumb' look then glanced back at the other end of the creature he was standing on where the mutilated remains of Batman's ride was still held in the monster's jaws. A stunned and bedraggled Robin the Boy Wonder was slightly shaking and had not moved an inch from where he'd nearly become Creature Chow. Wally put it down to the kid's near death experience. That had to be traumatizing.

"Batmobile..." Robin muttered with eyes glued to what had once been an amazing part of the Batman's equipment. He numbly reached out to stroke a battered tail fin.

_Okay, maybe it wasn't his own demise that had the kid all worked up._

"Well technically," Wally hedged, "it's CecilZilla here who used it as a chew toy and managed to make it explode--"

"Flash!" This time Nightwing did shake him by the earpiece.

Wally felt a spike of irksomeness at this continued ungrateful treatment aimed his way. Obviously, Dick was just jealous that he'd shown The Batclan up with his awesome battle strategy. "Hey, how was I to know you were coming here with a Batz whatsit? Robin's life was on the line! Batz car was the nearest handy portable projectile that didn't have a birth certificate on file."

Nightwing groaned and let his hand slid down to Wally's chest icon. Dick stared at it as if he believed that this was the last time he'd be seeing the lightning bolt symbol. "He's going to _kill_ you, Dude. Slowly."

_"Slowly..."_ a still shell-shocked Tim confirmed like a one-boy-zombie Greek chorus.

Were they joking? Didn't saving Tim mean _anything?_ "Oh come _on!" _Wally threw his hands into the air to better illustrate his annoyance with their lack of proper praise of his quick thinking."Sure the Bat cruiser was high on the cool scale, but our lives are worth more than even the coolest ride."

"The _Batmobile_," Timothy Drake--otherwise known as Robin the Third Bruce's Wasted Attempt At Not Screwing Up A Kid ran an agitated hand through his dark tresses. "The _Batmobile_."

Nightwing held Wally at arm's length and looked him sternly in the...eye lenses. "You've destroyed the _Batmobile_. Couldn't you have just used the giant penny? Or the dinosaur? Heck, Flash--even the Bat Computer would have been preferable."

Unconvinced, Wally crossed his arms in defiance. "The computer has his oh-so-precious crime data, this suit wasn't made to carry loose change, I really _like_ the dinosaur---and all those things are kept back in the Batcave--which is really scary when the lights are all out--and at the risk of repeating myself--it was Tim's life--"

"The Batcomputer backups the backups in triplicate. The Penny could be recast, the dinosaur replaced by an animatronics firm, and _you_ were the one who whirl-winded Batman's pride and joy straight into the jaws of death."

"Yeah, that _was_ a pretty awesome bit of aiming if I do say so myself," Wally preened. "Green Arrow, eat your heart out!" He frowned. "Hey, what about the part on Robin's about to be killed?"

"_Third_ Boy Wonder, Wally. _Third_."

Wally's jaw dropped. He had a sudden and blinding appreciation for his Uncle Barry's mentoring. At least the elder Flash would _never_ have thrown Kid Flash like cannon fodder into daily deadly melees that would have whitened the hairs of any CPS worker...

_

* * *

"Hey, pal, let's go and take on Mirror Master, Captain Boomerang, The Trickster, and The Turtle who are all armed to the teeth and waiting for us. I'll provide the diverting witty banter while you run in from behind and knock 'em down!"_

_"Oke-dokee, Uncle Flash!"_

* * *

_Oh yeah._

_Crap._

"Wait a minute..." Nightwing's forehead crinkled up in thought. "Wally, you said the Bat Cave was shrouded in total darkness?"

_Could the Cave have been infiltrated by one of Batman's enemies while they were out? Were the monsters just a red herring?_

"Well, yeah. That's where I got all the light bulbs from. I was tossing them at CecilZilla in order to distract it from Metropolis because Batz did state in the last League meeting that cities were starting to get pissed at us for all the collateral damage." Wally pointed out the broken glass that was strewn about the beach. "By the way, wanna help clean this mess up?"

Nightwing stared at him. "Oh man, this is going to be nasty."

_"Nasty..."_ Robin dutifully echoed. Nightwing picked up the unused sonic disrupter, took Tim's hand, and hurried back to where he'd parked his motorcycle. He really didn't want either of them to see in what humiliating manner the hero would die.

Wally watched them leave with a growing feeling of unease in the pit of his stomach. Maybe it was just hunger pains?

A gloved hand tapped his shoulder.

Batman! He'd forgotten that the Goddamned Batman had been here fighting as well and had likely been standing not far away listening to--and not correcting--Nightwing's grisly predictions. Wally tried to zip to the relative safety of the other side of the country--only to be stopped cold by a length of cel-line he hadn't even been aware was wrapped around his leg. This resulted in a rather graceless belly flop onto the not-very-pristine sand.

"Ow! Jeez, Batz! _That_ was uncalled for."

Black boots purposefully walked over until the toes were inches from The Flash's silica bruised nose.

"The Batmobile is not something I can replace via a trip to the nearest auto dealer, Flash."

"Yeah, I guess not, Batz," Wally agreed as he sat up, vibrating the sand off his face and uniform. "Otherwise, I'd love to see that dealer's parking lot. Would be like a Whos-Who of ground-bound crime fighters."

Batman continued on as if Flash hadn't said anything. "So in recompense, you are going to employ your one commercially viable skill and fix it." He knelt down in order to pluck a bolt from the sand near Wally's feet.

Green eyes looked up at him, utterly lost. "Come again?"

Batman held up the metal bolt to Wally's eye level. "You're going to _fix the damage you've wrought_--Mr. Part-time Police Mechanic--by locating every piece of my car...and putting it back together again in such a way that I won't make your spine look like how the chassis is shaped just now."

Wally silently regarded the masticated Batmobile remains---then shifted his gaze back to the junk heap's owner. "Like an automotive Humpty Dumpty where all the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty together again?" He let out a hopeful snicker. "Very funny, Batz. Such the kidder. Really, though, I'm going to be needing some help getting the beach all nice and sanitary for the public again so if you and Superman can...?"

Batman was still staring coldly at him only he was now holding out a pair of dangling car keys attached to a Bat logo key chain. Wally swallowed hard and took another look at the twisted and abused car pieces still held in possession by CecilZilla's toothy maw. A large drop of gooey monster drool slowly dropped down from a corkscrewed tailpipe to plop onto a broken headlight before painstakingly making it's way to the ground.

_Ew!_

He cringed. "Batz?"

The keys were unceremoniously dropped in his lap.

"Fix _it_ or I fix _you_."

Wally let out a long sigh.

"The Rise And Fall of The Flash."

_Man, this day just sucked._

* * *

The Bat Cordless rang. Alfred dutifully picked it up and listened for a moment. He took the phone and held out the receiver to Bruce--the mute button switched on. "It's for you, sir. It is either an irate chipmunk or the very excitable Master Wallace."

Gracing his manservant with an amused smile, Bruce accepted the phone. After Wally had recovered and washed the car pieces he'd found, the speedster had asked Bruce for leave to work on the car in the Bat Cave rather than at his own home or someplace else where it would have caused a lot of awkward questions. Surprisingly, the young man had actually stuck around for a full week and had made a pretty fair headway considering the state of the car. Not a _lot_ of headway. Certainly not _restored Batmobile_ headway as that would have required a full-blown miracle. Yet it was undeniable that West hadn't abandoned the project like Bruce was sure the notoriously easily-bored speedster would have after just the first day. So far, Superman had by default won the "carpool" as his "three days tops" was the closest estimate out of all the other ones various League members had postulated it would take before Flash threw in the towel and ran.

Undoubtedly this was Wally finally giving up on his insane optimism and calling him from the Bat Cave to beg for his life.

"Honestly, Master Bruce, this charade has gone on far enough. You've led him to believe that The Batman is out of commission until his car is repaired. The boy has been working himself to death down there on your account. Why don't you just _tell_ him that your new Batmobile was delivered to the secondary garage days ago?" Alfred frowned disapprovingly as his smirking employer made shushing gestures at him before turning off the phone's mute button.

"Wally--?" Bruce began, expertly keeping his glee from leaking through into his voice.

"Hey, Batz! Your new ride is ready for inspection! All shiny, and glisteny, and ready to zoom off into the sunset in search of Bat Signals!"

Bruce frowned. There was no way in hell that Wally could have managed to put the mangled wreck back together in one working piece as the Batmobile had been _beyond_ totaled. Why, what he'd seen of it just yesterday was nowhere near recognizable. It was an impossible expectation even for a speedster. He shivered inside imagining what mechanical piece of abstract artwork would be waiting for him in the underground garage.

Knowing Wally, probably some version of Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang.

* * *

Roughly five minutes later:

Batman strode resolutely into the Bat Cave. His eyes quickly flew to where his fleet of various conveyances were parked. With one exception it all looked the same as it had yesterday. He headed straight for that exception which waiting off to the side of the parking platform with various tools strewn orderly about it. At first glance there seemed to be no one around until he spotted a pair of stained Mack boots sticking out from the foreign car's belly.

"Wally?"

"Batz? That was fast. I mean...for you." A pair of red canvas-clad legs shot out from under the car. They were quickly followed by a head full of tousled red hair and a blinding smile. Wally hiked his body up from the rolling mechanics board he'd been on. He was besmirched from head to toe with engine oil and other automobile fluids; an equally filthy rag haphazardly stuffed into the pocket of his rust-colored mechanics's coveralls.

"Well, what do you think?" The speedster kept beaming at him. It was obvious he was expecting to be lavished with compliments although Bruce could not for the life o f him figure out why.

Not that he was about to give Flash any. Bruce Wayne or Batman--he was a busy man who didn't have time to waste on shooting the breeze for anything less than gathering vital mission information.

"_Mr. West_, you called me to tell me you'd fixed my car. Where. Is. My. Car?" _If this was some sort of practical joke..._

Wally absently scratched the back of his head with a soiled hand. "Well, you see, I was making some progress on the Bat Wheels just fine until I realized a lot of pieces were still missing? So I thought about it and realized that in all probability CecilZilla may have swallowed some of it and....well, I figured neither one of us wanted to literally go _there_ in search of them. So I went out for some fresh air in California to ponder what to do about this little problem when Jay jogged by from Washington State and told me about how his pal from back in the '40's had recently failed his driver's test due to old age? So he didn't need _his_ set of wheels anymore and would likely let me have his car for free or maybe let me pay it off with some chores around his place? Of course it wasn't totally as easy as all that because this Asian geriatric dude kept insisting that he should get the car? Well, I wanted to be fair, so I offered to arm wrestle him for it. Old geezer tried to cheat by karate chopping me half way through, but I was too fast for him and he missed my shoulder--head hit the table and -pow!- out like a light. So seeing my opportunity, I grabbed the keys and drove this beauty back to Nightwing's for a bit of waxing, polishing, detailing and just awesome-a-fying...then drove it here and called you." He leaned back onto the car with legs and arms crossed. "Looks good, doesn't it?"

Batman blinked, then took a better look at the car Wally had been fine tuning. "You expect me to fight crime as The Gotham Knight while riding around in a 1966 black Chrysler Crown Imperial sedan_?"_

Wally bounced a few times on his toes as he held up his right index finger. "Not just _any_ 1966 black Chrysler Crown Imperial sedan, Batz. It's been custom modified by the original owner. He called it his _Black Beauty_. Pretty cool, huh?"

Robin the Boy Wonder chose that moment to make an appearance.

"Ohmygawd----_it's the Green Hornet's Black Beauty?! That was my grandpa's favorite car!_ We watched the reruns right up until the day Grandpa died." Batman was nudged aside as a drooling Robin the Boy Wonder ran a hand over the ebony paint job. "And--look---it's even got the retro Infra-Green headlights...and holy violent family shows--_warhead missiles under them!_ Knock-out gas nozzles, surveillance devices--this is so _sweet_! I can almost feel Grandpa's spirit smiling at this!" He wrapped his arms around Wally's midsection and hugged him. "How did you manage it, Flash? Is it for us? Our new car?" He turned big, shining eyes towards Bruce. "It _is_ going to be our new _Batmobile_, right, Batman?"

"Tim.." The monstrosity was something The Green Arrow might appreciate, but Bruce had no intention of..

"Yep!" Wally grinned. "What's new is old and what's old is new--she's all the Bat Clan's now."

"Awesome!" Tim jumped into the 'sidekick' seat. He excitedly picked something from off the floor. "Kato's old mask? Cool! Well, what are you waiting for Bruce? Let's take her for a test spin!" Tim exchanged masks then pushed the radio button. Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumblebee" played loudly from the speakers. He crossed his arms and leaned back in the seat, a smile of pure delight on his face. "We are _so_ gonna kick crime's ass in this, baby! Man, grandpa would be so proud of me! Bruce, this proves you are the _best_ mentor ever!"

Defeated, Batman turned to face Wally who dangled in front of the Dark Knight the Black Beauty's keys on their little hornet shaped key chain. The man was vibrating from so much suppressed laughter.

Batman's eyes narrowed. "Your days are numbered."

"Probably, Mr. Reid, probably." A fedora suddenly covered over the Bat cowl ears. "In the meantime, have fun out there with Kato karate kicking bad-guy ass."

Unseen by Batman, Tim quickly mouthed to the grinning speedster, 'You owe me big!'

Wally shrugged noncommittally, then quickly stepped out of the way before Bruce could run over his feet. He cheerfully waved them goodbye.

_A month of gardening chores for the retired Mr. Reid and the cantankerous Kato---not to mention dusting for Alfred, Batman out for his head, owing Tim for the use of his acting skills and Dick for his silence...._

_...versus the look on Bruce's face._

He broke out in a laughing fit.

It had _so_ been worth it!

"I wonder if Alfred still has any cookies in the kitchen?" Still chuckling, Wally went upstairs to find out.

_"Master Wallace---get your greasy self out of my kitchen and into the shower this instant!"_

* * *

A/N: I went to Wikipedia to look up the car specifics since I haven't seen The Green Hornet since I was a wee tyke who thought the show was awesome--mainly because Dad enjoyed it so much. Come to find out they are working on a GH film for release next year. Oh god. Do I want to see that? lol


End file.
